It's Tricky

Run DMC had it right: It's Tricky. I'm home today with Margot who has had some degree of intestinal issues for the last four days or so. Yesterday her school called and asked her not to come in today. -I certainly felt chastised! (In my defense, she hasn't run a fever, hasn't been grouchy, and the dirty diapers aren't soupy). So I went on the assumption that no fever meant she wasn't contagious. -But I've been wrong before, so I made a pediatrician appointment for this afternoon.

But the REALLY tricky part is this: Of course I love my baby more than life itself, but I have really important things to do at work. I NEED to be there, and things don't go well when I'm not there. And why is it that the mom stays home from work? Why is her career less important than the dad's? Moms out there, if your husband stays home with the sick kids- then I'd love to know about it.

But especially in the Army, for some reason- the wife is the mommy is the stay at home nurse. It chaps my ass and insults my equality as a woman. And to add salt to the wound, when Bob is asked what he does at work during the day, he ALWAYS says, "Oh, not much. I went to some meetings and did some other stuff. Not a big deal." That's fine. But I DO have big deals I should be working on right now!

But while I'm home, I'm making the best of my womanly stereotype- so if you'll excuse me, I have pumpkin bread to bake, laundry to fold and put away, and toilets that won't clean themselves.

Hello, Old Friend

Well, it's been about forever since I've posted anything remotely current. So here goes:

1. Bob is home and life is pretty normal. The school year has begun, and let me just say: I'm loving this school year. My kids are wonderful, and I'm not starting the school year three months late (like last year's maternity leave), so I don't feel completely behind the 8 Ball.
2. I'm training for my next marathon: Portland (10-10-10). Oh man, not even ready for this. Sunday morning, I was lying in bed at 5:00 am, listening to the rain POUR (as it is prone to do in the Pacific Northwest). And I did some running soul searching. I've come to this realization: I'm not enjoying running this distance anymore. I feel guilty for leaving Bob and Margot for four hours at a time. And when I'm out there, I just feel like it's something I HAVE to do, rather than GET to do. I like shorter runs: 5,6,10 mile runs. They're much more enjoyable. So I'm going to hash out this run in 12 days (and hurt like hell for a few days afterward)... and then get back to the running I love. This might not be my last marathon ever, but it's the last one for a while.
3. I've GOT to start calling my friends. When your husband comes home you get a little time hibernate and not be extremely social. But, I fear, I've over-hibernated. Friends (and cousins) have called, and called some more. And have I called back? Ummmm, no; not really. "I'm busy..." But aren't we all? It's time to get back to being a better friend. After all, one of the most rewarding parts of my life is my network of friends all over the world. It's about time I start acting like I care about these people (because I do!)
4. Also, it's time to start reading more. I'm about 3/4 through Catcher In The Rye, and boy am I HATING it. When can you cut your losses and read something you enjoy? Maybe I'll read a chapter a day in the morning until I'm done with it. But I'll read what I want in the evening. I can't risk being labeled in my own mind as a quitter (on account of quitting marathon running AND Catcher In the Rye.
5. Margot is amazing, and Bob is the most fantastic daddy-o you've ever met. I'm blessed enough to quibble over reading and running. I mean -really- my life is pretty smooth sailing at the moment. (Which is long overdue after last year's deployment with a newborn). So I do believe it's time to pour a glass of red wine and crack open a new book: Ape House (by the author of Water For Elephants- which I adored).

~Salut~

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

My book group is reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo this month, and I had heard interesting reviews about the book (okay, review- singular. From Beth Boswell's blog). The story is about an unsolved mystery in Sweden, and the two unlikely people who are called upon to solve it: a journalist and a skinny, troubled hacker.

The first 200 pages really dragged on, I thought. But then it picked up... in a most disturbing way. There are lots of accounts of sexual abuse throughout the book, and it just felt creepy to me. True, the pages started turning faster around page 300... all the way to the end (pg. 594).

There are two other books about these characters, and I won't be reading them. They're a bit too grisly for my taste. I don't want these images in my head. The author, Stieg Larsson died recently. So three books are all you get, even if you love the story.

Well written- definitely.

Intriguing- certainly.

Creepy- Yessir.

Three stars.

Ready to Run

Last year, I had a list of goals that included all kinds of races at lots of different distances. Then on January 2, I found out I was pregnant. I scratched out all those races, and wrote instead, "Have a healthy baby." It was a good thing I adjusted my mindset, because not a month and a half later I was told I couldn't run anymore until the baby was born. It was causing complications to my pregnancy.

But now Margot is here, and I've been cleared for exercise (except for Ab work, and that will happen at six months).

So I've registered for a couple of races. So far, here's what I've got:

1. The Olympia Half Marathon on May 16th.

2. The Portland Marathon on October 10. (10/10/10)

If you're interested in running in the lovely Pacific Northwest, I'd love to have some company on these races! I'm thinking of throwing the Bolder Boulder in there over the Memorial Day weekend. Anyone up for racing in Colorado?

There is one thing I love about having friends all over the country: I've got racing buddies almost everywhere.

Here's to a great 2010 full of lots of sweat, fast races, and good times.

Loving It

I hear it a lot: "I don't know how you do it. It must be so tough having your husband deployed for a year!" And I hear it about as much now as I did on deployments before I had Margot.

I have to say- You do what you have to do. The human spirit is so much stronger than we give it credit for being. And I was apprehensive, no- downright fearful, about being a "single mom." But you know what? Margot has made this deployment so much easier for me emotionally. Sure it's hard work being her sole caregiver. And it is taxing to have almost no time to myself to exercise or take a long, hot shower, or even go to the grocery store alone.

To that end, I couldn't imagine loving being a mom as much as I do. Who knew?! I thought it would be something I would do and try my best at. But the fact that I just adore this life is a complete shock to me. Maybe it's one of those things you just have to experience to see how it will go and what an impact it will make on your life. I certainly did not have a clue. -Thank goodness for Bob who really insisted we keep holding out hope for a baby.

I'm sure it helps having the cutest, sweetest, smartest baby on the planet! -Don't we all say that about our kids? Life is good, and will be even better when Bob gets to experience it with us. But until then, we're enjoying life as much as we can and are making the most of every single day.

Back to School

As of Monday, my maternity leave is over. I've sort of run the gamut on this one, emotionally. The week after Bob left I was SO ready to back to work (on account of the screaming bundle of joy in my arms and the C-R-A-Z-Y hormones coursing through my body). But then I got the hang of this mothering thing and have really enjoyed these weeks off.

And last week I started mourning the loss of this special time. But now that I am sitting down and planning a unit teaching Science Fiction, I'm starting to get excited about going back. I really do love teaching and I adore my school and colleagues, in particular. Plus I've found that very rarely does the experience I am dreading warrant the level of anxiety I allot it.

Plus my mom will be here to watch Margot these first two weeks back at school. As of January... well, I'm still working on that. February first Margot is definitely in at St. Mike's Tikes in Olympia. But we're still working on the January wait list. -Did I mention she's been on this waiting list since April, when I was only about 4 months pregnant? Anyhoo... more apprehension there. But we'll find someone to watch her, and when she goes to St. Mike's I'm sure she'll have a lovely time with all the babies. And because she's nursed, I think she won't get sick very easily... ah: dread, dread, dread!!! It won't be that bad. In fact, it will be good.

So this is the tune in my head from the movie "Billy Maddison"- "Back to school, back to school..." in Adam Sandler's strange falsetto. I am, indeed, Back to School.

Emotional Free For All

Something feels weird today. I'm over the moon for Margot- who makes life interesting and busy. But I simultaneously feel so very sad. Maybe it's the weather around here. Rain, with more rain, and a side of rain... and if it's really cheery- perhaps an overcast day.

I miss Bob like nobody's business.

And I'm having extremely stressful dreams... and have been every night for a month. There's always a problem in the dream I can't solve. I wake with a racing heart.

And I keep ordering the cutest clothes in size 10... which I managed to wear both yesterday and today. Thank goodness for those tiny victories.

I KNOW it will be okay. It always is, and I'm handling life really very well, I think. No- I know.

I just feel a little blue. You know when you say to yourself, "If you could be anywhere, do anything, eat anything, hear anything to make you feel better- what would it be?" Sometimes I ask myself that question to see if there is anything I can do that really WILL make me feel better. Tonight there is but one answer, and it's one I can't make happen.

I just want Bob.