Loving It

I hear it a lot: "I don't know how you do it. It must be so tough having your husband deployed for a year!" And I hear it about as much now as I did on deployments before I had Margot.

I have to say- You do what you have to do. The human spirit is so much stronger than we give it credit for being. And I was apprehensive, no- downright fearful, about being a "single mom." But you know what? Margot has made this deployment so much easier for me emotionally. Sure it's hard work being her sole caregiver. And it is taxing to have almost no time to myself to exercise or take a long, hot shower, or even go to the grocery store alone.

To that end, I couldn't imagine loving being a mom as much as I do. Who knew?! I thought it would be something I would do and try my best at. But the fact that I just adore this life is a complete shock to me. Maybe it's one of those things you just have to experience to see how it will go and what an impact it will make on your life. I certainly did not have a clue. -Thank goodness for Bob who really insisted we keep holding out hope for a baby.

I'm sure it helps having the cutest, sweetest, smartest baby on the planet! -Don't we all say that about our kids? Life is good, and will be even better when Bob gets to experience it with us. But until then, we're enjoying life as much as we can and are making the most of every single day.

Back to School

As of Monday, my maternity leave is over. I've sort of run the gamut on this one, emotionally. The week after Bob left I was SO ready to back to work (on account of the screaming bundle of joy in my arms and the C-R-A-Z-Y hormones coursing through my body). But then I got the hang of this mothering thing and have really enjoyed these weeks off.

And last week I started mourning the loss of this special time. But now that I am sitting down and planning a unit teaching Science Fiction, I'm starting to get excited about going back. I really do love teaching and I adore my school and colleagues, in particular. Plus I've found that very rarely does the experience I am dreading warrant the level of anxiety I allot it.

Plus my mom will be here to watch Margot these first two weeks back at school. As of January... well, I'm still working on that. February first Margot is definitely in at St. Mike's Tikes in Olympia. But we're still working on the January wait list. -Did I mention she's been on this waiting list since April, when I was only about 4 months pregnant? Anyhoo... more apprehension there. But we'll find someone to watch her, and when she goes to St. Mike's I'm sure she'll have a lovely time with all the babies. And because she's nursed, I think she won't get sick very easily... ah: dread, dread, dread!!! It won't be that bad. In fact, it will be good.

So this is the tune in my head from the movie "Billy Maddison"- "Back to school, back to school..." in Adam Sandler's strange falsetto. I am, indeed, Back to School.

Emotional Free For All

Something feels weird today. I'm over the moon for Margot- who makes life interesting and busy. But I simultaneously feel so very sad. Maybe it's the weather around here. Rain, with more rain, and a side of rain... and if it's really cheery- perhaps an overcast day.

I miss Bob like nobody's business.

And I'm having extremely stressful dreams... and have been every night for a month. There's always a problem in the dream I can't solve. I wake with a racing heart.

And I keep ordering the cutest clothes in size 10... which I managed to wear both yesterday and today. Thank goodness for those tiny victories.

I KNOW it will be okay. It always is, and I'm handling life really very well, I think. No- I know.

I just feel a little blue. You know when you say to yourself, "If you could be anywhere, do anything, eat anything, hear anything to make you feel better- what would it be?" Sometimes I ask myself that question to see if there is anything I can do that really WILL make me feel better. Tonight there is but one answer, and it's one I can't make happen.

I just want Bob.

A Big First...

Today Margot had her first non-family babysitter! Our 15 year old neighbor, Elora, came over to watch Margot for three hours while I went to a meeting on post (where kids were not really welcome. Though an exception could have been made for a nursing infant, I think).

Margot did well. She drank one bottle of my milk and one of formula. She looked pretty milk drunk when I got home, but I still coaxed her to nurse a little bit before I put her to bed.

It was a pretty big milestone for us. I think Elora is great, and she is fantastic with Margot. We plan to use her services regularly. Now I need about three more sitters just like her to round out the just-in-case team!

It is kind of a shame to pay to go to a meeting, but I am envisioning going to a movie in the near future... and THAT I don't mind paying for whatsoever!

Mom Jeans

For the first time in my life, I think I understand the concept behind "Mom Jeans." You know the ones: high waisted with LOTS of elastic. I've got probably fifteen more pounds to lose to get back in my size 8's. I'll get there, but it's a process. Right now I'm in a 12... and here's the problem:

With running and rowing, I've managed to lose most of the fat from my legs and butt, but there is still the belly to contend with. I know it will take time for the uterus to shrink back completely (six months) and for that skin to regain its elasticity (and to lose those extra pounds). But the end result is what happened yesterday.

I broke down and bought a pair of GAP "Long and Lean" jeans in a size 12 and wore them for the first time yesterday. They're really a nice pair of jeans, but the fit is not quite right. The legs and butt are too big in a 12, but the waist fits just right! Now, I think if I invested in a couple pairs of Mom Jeans, I could probably wear a 10 or even an 8 already. I just need a little stretch in the waistline.

Alas, I've still got my pride. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to the treadmill I go...

Sleepville

Last night I decided to stick to my guns and get Margot to sleep in her crib for the first time. I LOVE having her in bed with me, but it's not going to work in the long run, so I thought it might be time to move her to her room.

From 9:00 to midnight I was questioning my resolve. Then at midnight, I fed her one more time and said to her, "Now it's REALLY time to go to sleep now. No more crying." She looked at me with big old eyes, and I left the room. Not a peep until 3:30. I fed her in the dark and put her back in her crib where she slept without crying until 6:30.

Again, I fed her and put her back to bed. Then I ran on the treadmill for a half hour, ate breakfast, read a chapter in my book, took a shower- and then woke Margot up for the day at 9:00.

She was a happy baby, and I was a happy mommy.

I tried to do the same thing at nap time today, but didn't get more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time out of her. Baby steps.

We'll be shooting for a repeat performance tonight. Fingers are crossed!!!!

Recent Events

How the time flies. Bob's been deployed for three weeks, Margot is six weeks old, and the Cornelius grandparents were just here for a week- and now they're gone. Blink your eyes around here and you'll miss something. 

While Bob and Betty were here we went to the pumpkin patch and picked out a couple of cute pumpkins- none as cute as Margot in her little pumpkin hat, of course!

Here I am: 30 years old. Here Margot is: 6 weeks old. 

I turned 30 on October 15th.  Despite Bob being gone, it was a perfectly lovely day, full of lots of fun things: breaking down to buy a new computer after our seven year old computer finally bit it. The new one is an iMac- AWESOME! Tax free on post- AWESOME! I had a massage and went to dinner with a few friends while Grandma and Grandpa baby sat. Which was so sweet of them.

Margot is learning to be awake without crying as much, and she is smiling a little bit now. Mind you- she has to be SUPER happy to smile. I'm sure they'll come easier to her soon. Baby steps, baby steps. Here is a picture of her hanging out with a cute teddy bear Uncle Bryan gave her. Clearly they're buds already.