The Thought That Plagues Me

Here's a thought that plagues me daily: You're Just Not Good Enough.

Now, hear me out. I'm not looking for a bunch of praise, and I don't suffer from low self-esteem. I've journaled about this dozens of times, about the kind of woman I wish I were.

In this day and age, as a woman, you sort of believe you should do it all, have it all, see it all, feel it all. You should work and be a mom. You should be carefree and detail oriented. You should value your quiet time and make yourself available for social things.

A portrait of the woman I would be, if I just had a little more will power would look like this:

Rise at 6:00 to run. (This would probably mean not writing and editing into the wee hours of the morning).

Do a load of laundry, clean a bathroom, and grade some papers- before Margot wakes up.

NEVER rush to get out the door in the morning. (But we're actually pretty good about this one).

ALWAYS have meals planned for the week, and the energy/wherewithal to go to Safeway with an exhausted toddler...

I could go on and on until the wheels of my day were a spinning flurry of color and activity:

Run More! Read More! Grade More! More Patient! Vacuum More! More Efficient!!!

I don't know if I would feel more fulfilled if I could fill that imaginary role, but I think the chances are good that I would find more things to wish I did better. -Bonsai gardening, maybe?

I'm thinking I'm not the only one who feels this way, because I have friends- who I really believe- DO IT ALL! And they do it with such panache and grace. (I'm only a little miffed at them for not sharing their secrets!)

Here's the truth: sometimes I walk by a pile of Bob's white PT socks that are inexplicably piled on the stairs, waiting to be washed, folded, and put away. I'll look at them, and think I'll get those on the next trip upstairs. And then in the next breath, I think: My friend Robin would NEVER leave those there!

***BUT! What if we stopped comparing ourselves to each other? (Maybe I'm the only one who does it. I'm sure Kim never... Oh, wait. There I go again!) What if I'm just happy with what I'm able to accomplish each day, and give myself a little grace regarding the rest?

It's a lovely thought, but it's just my nature to strive for perfection. So maybe I just need to change my thought pattern from "You're just not good enough" to "You're pretty damn great... but you could probably be better"

That's the compromise I'm willing to consider.