Confidence, where art thou?

You know how it feels like you're getting somewhere when you talk something out- just talk and talk until you feel like you've reached a solution? Yes, this is what's happening. Welcome to my internal dialogue. I don't believe talking to yourself makes you crazy (and neither do the voices in my head).

Remember those manuscripts in the pictures above? Remember how I slaved over them, cried tears into the paper, and ruthlessly edited out carefully chosen words? Yes, me too.

Suddenly, well- it's been more gradual than "suddenly"- they're beginning to feel like shit. Yes, that's right. Maybe you prefer the terms Drivel, Nonsense, What the Hell Were You Thinking Taking Eight Months to Write a Novel?

And before you say all the wonderful things you've been saying- which IS encouraging, but you don't have to live inside my head, let me cut you off at the pass and try to do the heavy morale lifting for you. (Incidentally, this is the same process I try to use whilst running- the pep talk extraordinaire).

Self, perhaps you should consider the following:

1. You've only sent out 8 agent queries and heard back from two. The other six have presumably left you for dead. -Maybe... I should send out a few (dozen) more. Yeah, that's what I tell myself, and that's what others tell me, too. This is like walking right into a pit that has a tightrope strung across it. I know the rope is there, but it's a shot in the dark to find it. And 54/55 times I'm going to miss it and trip headlong into the pit. -But who cares about the ones who reject your work? The agent who is meant to represent you will. So true. But it comes down to confidence- and mine is flagging.

2. You really do believe in your heart of hearts that writing is the next stage of your life. And you would NEVER encourage someone to sit around and wallow in their stupid fears when facing a challenge. You would be the FIRST to say- Lace up your shoes; let's run! or Send in those applications! or One more e-mail to branch can't hurt! Fight for your future! Damn straight! Yes, well, when the shoe is on the other foot- it's a bit daunting. And perhaps I owe a few hundred people apologies for pushing them too hard. (I'll get started on those apology letters as soon as I've written the query letters...)

3. My most recent hair brained motivation or lack thereof- I need a new desk chair. Mine is abysmal. I need to find one that supports a proper writer's back. Until then... well...

Maybe this weekend needs to be devoted to finding a desk chair. That would be a good place to start. And one more excuse to axe.

4. Now for a couple of goodies:

• "Don't give up! It took Thomas Edison 1,000 tries to make the light bulb." -I ran across this one in our school's planner this week. I'm pretty sure it was put there just for me.
• “Passion won’t protect you against setbacks, but it will insure that no failure is ever final.” -Steve Jobs

So next time you see me... ask how the agent quest is going. Then if I don't give you a good, solid, confident answer- give me a dose of my own medicine. A "You can do it! You BETTER do it!" Your confidence coupled with my own just might do the trick.